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January 16, 2006
(Almost) Live Blogging the Golden Globes
7:59pm
I say almost live because I'm on the three hour west coast delay. It's always weird to me that something happening in L.A. is live for only the people living back east. Other than that, I'm typing as I watch. No editing here. Just off the cuff (hopefully) hilarious commentary and celebrity skewering. On with the show!
8:00pm
Red carpet highlights? Are we kidding? And Dean Cain must be kicking himself. I mean, he was Superman! And all people can talk about is that whiny Lois Lane. And there she is wearing shiny golden fish scales!
8:02pm
Mariah Carey is glad to make music that lets her be who she is: a slut in prostitute's clothing.
8:03pm
The party of the year?! Isn't that the Super Bowl? What, they said it again... I wonder if they've trademarked it: "The Golden Globes: The Party of the Year™!"
8:04pm
Is this really a Pussycat Dolls rip-off jingle? Can this get any cheesier? My celebrity love/hate meter is now moving quickly towards hate.
8:07pm
Here we go Queen! Latifah! An attempt at social importance. Ouch, doesn't work.
8:08pm
A shorn Natalie Portman & Adrien Brody present Best Supporting Actor. My vote? Matt Dillon. The winner? Clooney, getting the first of many. Offhand, doesn't Portman look a bit like Spock with that short hair and those scary eyebrows?
8:10pm
Clooney obviously watches the Daily Show, as he's commenting on the unfortunate name Jack Abramoff (aka Jack-off), whom he thanked for no reason other than to ruffle some feathers.
8:11pm
Best Supporting Actress winner? My pick, the lovely Rachel Weisz. Great accent, great actress, great taste (she's married to the wacky/talented Darren Aronofsky). Yummy. Not a fan of that hairdo though. Let it down!
8:18pm
Now here's a pairing: Jessica Alba and Luke Wilson. I have a love/hate relationship with little miss Alba. I want to hate her because she sucks and has no redeeming qualities, and I want to love her because she has the looks to make me forget her suckiness.
Paul Newman wins the Hodgepodge Award for acting in a supporting role in tv. He's not here because he's busy making salad dressing.
8:20pm
Old Lois and New Clark! The ubiquitous, aforementioned Ms. Hatcher and Brandon Routh are not a good comedy team. I am excited about that new Supes movie though. Should be good stuff even if Kate Bosworth is a horrible idea for Lois. Moving along... Sandra Oh wins the ladies Hodgepodge. Apparently she's nuts, but at least she won cause she's the only good thing on that otherwise completely overrated show.
8:28pm
Drew Barrymore, I ca see your nipples! Nice dress though, smart move with the emerald. Green is in. Mark it down. Good Night, and Good Luck gets the "in case you didn't see it here's one of our nominees" treatment.
8:29pm
What's the deal with Emmy Rossum? She's in Phantom of the Opera and suddenly she's a darling at these award shows. She's cute and all, but maybe you could actually be a star before you present at these things (even if it's only announcing the obligatory Random Foreign Press Guy).
8:31pm
Jesse L. Martin & the most desperate of all housewives (though I think you need a husband to be a housewife) Nicolette Sheridan. The HFPA loves them some Desperates, so they just had to get them all in somehow. Geena Davis wins for Commander in Chief. Is a hint from all these foreign press that they'd like to see a different president? Hmm...
8:33pm
You know, everyone gives Hilary Swank a bad rap for looking like a man, but she's a supermodel compared to Geena Davis. What's that? I'm completely mean and rude? Yeah, you're right. But I only said what you and everyone else were thinking.
8:35pm
Ian McShane & Evangeline "Kate" Lilly, another in green, presenting Best TV Actor. I don't watch that House, but my guess is they'll give it to the Brit (even if Kiefer deserves it). And of course I'm right. These foreigners gotta give some love to their own kind whenever possible. Can't give us Americanos too much credit, after all.
8:37pm
Known primarily for his scruff, Laurie may now be known for one of the most ingenious acceptance speech I've seen in recent memory. Drawing names out of his hat (or in this case his left pocket) with his tongue, as they say, planted firmly in cheek.
8:43pm
Another inexplicable Golden Globe favorite, Melanie Griffith, presents her daughter (with Don Johnson? How long ago was that?) and The Producers. A shoo-in for nomination in this category (being both comedy and musical, this thing better not win. I haven't seen it, but I'm sure I'm right.
8:46pm
Queen's back, this time with Matt Dillon presenting the Mini-Series award. Zzzzzz... Do we care? And isn't the mini-series a tired concept anyway? Most of the time (Band of Brothers, Into the West, et al) notwithstanding, it's usually just a movie split over two nights. What we should really be doing is an actual mini-series. The original UK The Office comes to mind. Just come up with a short story, run it for 13 episodes or so, and be done with it. Sounds like the future of television to me.
8:49pm
From CSI and Stacked...wait, did they really put these two together? Peterson got it right when he said "beauty and the geek." Now, where's Ashton? They're presenting Steve Carell with the Globe for Best TV Comedy Actor!! Yay! Obviously the foreigners don't hate us that much, given the remake status of this great show. I love that the American Office will finally get some viewers thanks to iTunes and this little award show. It's well deserved, and now that Arrested D is going off the air, The Office is the funniest show on TV.
8:57pm
Let's get political! Political! I wanna get political! Tim Robbins and his wild haircut presenting the highly respected political thriller The Constant Gardener.
8:59pm
Jamie "Double XX" Foxx presenting Best Actress Musical/Comedy. Is this party off the chain yet? No? Maybe if Jamie serenaded us with some of his "Unpredictable." No, I don't think that's a good idea either. It baffles me, by the way that The Squid and the Whale&mdashLaura Linney is nominated for her role—is considered a comedy. I mean, it's funny and all, but in that painful way where laughing is your only defense. Reese wins. Good for her. I still haven't seen that movie, but I'm smitten with her as a brunette. Gotta see that one.
9:03pm
Chris Rock obviously couldn't host the Oscars because he was presenting here. Conflict of interest and all. Best Actress in a TV Comedy...four Desperates and one who's even moreso (Mary Louise Parker from HBO's Weeds. My bet is on one of these overrated Desperates to win. Which one, I don't care, because that show went from oddly watchable to oddly terrible. Shocker!! MLP wins for the second year in a row (her cleavage, sadly, has shrunk considerably from last year). I wonder if the voters figured the best way to avoid catfights on the Housewives set was to make them all losers. Good plan.
9:10pm
Emma Thompson? They're bringing these people out of the woodwork! It's well-suited though. Someone obviously had a brain picking these presenters, as they all have some ties to the movies their presenting. This time it's the "very, very young" Pride and Prejudice starring the beguiling, skinny but never starved, Kiera Knightley.
9:12pm
More foreigners!! Aussie Eric Bana and Brit babe Kate Beckinsale. She's one of those impossibly pretty ladies they put up on screen all the time (though I often wonder what she would look like in real life under normal lighting). What is this category again? Oh, yeah, acting in a mini-series. Jonathan Rhys-Myers looks like he's coked up all the time with those bug eyes and high forehead. I have to disparage him because he had the enviable position of staring at Scarlett Johansson's breasts during Match Point. Oh, how I could see through those eyes...
9:16pm
Actress time. I love that Kelly MacDonald's Scottish accent. Too bad we couldn't give the award to her. Oh well. It's nice to see "working" actors and actresses win at these things every now and again. S. Epatha Merkerson, Law & Order vet gets her due in a category where her costar Halle Berry could've won on looks and name alone. Yay underdogs!
9:25pm
Colin Firth is the second presenter (showing off Match Point) from the new movie Nanny McPhee. I wonder who paid the HFPA to promote this movie so boldly? I know these presenting gigs are about as shill-worthy as a late night loveseat, but still.
9:27pm
Speaking of shill-worthy, the stars of Firewall are here! Virginia Madsen and her breasts! Er, I mean Harrison Ford. Love the drink in hand Ms. Madsen. Couldn't put that down on a table on your way out to the stage? That's classy. Anyhoo. Madsen and her boobs present the screenplay award to the writers from Brokeback Mountain. Expect a few more winners from "the gay cowboy movie" later in the evening. McMurtry thanked his typewriter, which he loves for not being a computer. If you're going to be that much of a luddite, why not just write the thing by hand? George Lucas does it that way, and he makes space cowboy movies.
9:35pm
NBC schlubs!! (that dude from Las Vegas and that chick from Crossing Jordan). The one time I saw that Vegas show, it had a wet t-shirt contest full of visible nipples and beasts. Obviously the FCC isn't watching, so who is? These two pretty faces are presenting Best Comedy, which is obviously those Desperates. You know, the only thing worse than this show is the endless fawning by everyone from award show voters to glossy celeb/trash mags.
9:38pm
Penelope Cruz breaks my theory of logical presenters when she introduces Mrs. Henderson Presents. Unless I'm missing something (is she naked a lot? I'd ask Tom Cruise, but I don't think he knows), the only tie is foreigner to foreigner.
9:39pm
Here's a category Penelope should've introduced, Best Foreign Film. Instead we get the stars of a really bad movie I just saw advertised—Terry Bradshaw (!) plays somebody's dad—Globe fave SJP and her texan buddy McConaghey. As for this category, isn't it a bit oxymoronic (or something) for the Foreign Press to give an award in America for Foreign Films?
9:45pm
The "great international star" Catherine Denueve presents A History of Violence. That term reminds me a lot of the musical version "big in Japan," or the sports version "soccer is the biggest sport in the world." It's designed to make us Americans feel stupid for not knowing who or what these people are.
9:47pm
Julian McMahon should've asked be announced as "from Nip/Tuck" instead of that awful Fantastic Four. Or he could've just let Rosario Dawson come out by herself. The loveliest lady of the ball gives the Globe to John Williams for Best Score. When are we going to stop giving this guy awards? Hasn't he won enough? I know he's our greatest living film composer and all, but come on! Nobody even liked that crappy geisha movie!
9:50pm
Golden Slut Mariah Carey gives away another award to the Brokeback folk for Original Song. Nice to hear the voice of someone who knows how to age gracefully, Emmylou Harris, on the winning ditty.
9:53pm
I haven't been commenting on commercials...until now. That Scarlett and her high intensity pigments seem to have stolen her look from Mr. Michael Stipe. If you saw the commercial, you'll know what I mean.
9:56pm
The big apple herself, Gwynnie Paltrow/Martin presents the DeMille Award to Anthony...excuse me, Sir Anthony Hopkins. I have to admit I've not seen most of these movies they're featuring. I was never much of a Hopkins fan. I'd much rather follow along with Richard Harris or even Michael Gambon.
10:05pm
Why does Gwynnie keep calling him Antony? That's weird and annoying. Hopkins gives mad props to the grips and the best boys and all the other behind-the-scenes people. I usually wonder about the sincerity of such plugs, but Sir H appears to be very upright in his thankfulness.
10:10pm
Mandy Moore? What are you doing here? That Squid and the Whale is the very definition of "Black Comedy." Dark, funny stuff.
10:13pm
Eastwood's face looks like it was carved from stone. Ang Lee wins! But of course. It's about time he made up for The Hulk disaster.
10:18pm
Travolta's proving that the nominees aren't the only ones getting drunk at this shindig. Pierce Bronson? Is he related to Charles? "Pay up!" says a boisterous (and also drunk) Ryan Phillippe, clearly having a good time. Joaquin, our winner, cracks wise about winning in the comedy/musical category—sounds like a backhanded compliment to me.
10:25pm
Tug McGraw's kid needs to take his hat off when he's indoors. I don't care if he's a cowboy singer, show a little respect, man!
10:26pm
What's the deal with Zellweger anyway? She might be the least attractive "hot chick" in Hollywood...after Kirsten Dunst, of course. Walk the Line wins Best Comedy/Musical. I REALLY need to see that movie.
10:35pm
The cast of Will & Grace! Finally! We never have to see them again after tonight. (He said hopefully). They're presenting TV Drama? Huh? Oh well, at least that foreign press recognizes the best show on TV, Lost. Nerds (Lindelof/Cuse/Abrams, I'm talking to you) in glasses rule!
10:39pm
Dennis Quaid, doing his best Randy imitation, sure knows how to sell an inappropriate (and lame) joke: "Rhymes with chick flick." It gave Heath a chuckle but his wife clearly has better taste in comedy.
10:41pm
That dreamboat Leo actually looks a day over 23 for the first time ever...though maybe that facial hair is fooling me. Best Actress Felicity Huffman proves that there are second chances in life—even in Hollywood.
10:48pm
Hilary Swank gets no love from the Tabs—just cause she can "Ugg Up" with the best of them doesn't make her actually ugly or even mannish. Nobody gives Cillian Murphy a hard time just cause he looks like a girl! Anyway, Philip Seymour Hoffman is another in a line of character actors and underrateds getting their due in recent years. Bravo.
10:54pm
Speaking of under, er, I mean overrated, it's Denzel! Who's gonna win that chintzy little trophy? Like there's a doubt. The gay cowboy movie rides off into the award show sunset with the globe. Good luck at the Oscars, pardners.
11:00pm
That's it, I'm outta here. See you at the Grammys, losers!
Posted by Queuetipp at January 16, 2006 11:01 PM
