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February 08, 2006
(Almost) Live Blogging the Grammys
7:59pm
Here we go. This is the first time I’ve watched this show in years. Of all the award shows, it’s probably the least about the awards…because Grammy voters are idiots.
8:02pm
Here comes Madonna and the animated Gorillaz. I saw them “perform” at the Euro MTV awards, and it was pretty cool, but what the heck does it look like when you’re there? Anything? It’s just plain weird.
8:04pm
Didn’t they say Gorillaz and Madonna? Is she coming out or not? Oh, I spoke too soon. Here she is. I’m not sure which is more perplexing…an animated band performing at the Grammys or a 40+ Madonna prancing around in a leotard.
8:07pm
Yay! First awkward audience pan! Followed by the first bad pun! “That was just one of 26 animated performances!”
8:09pm
Alicia Keys has 9 Grammys? Are you kidding me? She’s still hot though. And still annoying. Keys & Stevie Wonder are killing time while a slew of awards announcements fly by on the bottom of the screen. When you have 8 million categories, I guess you have to squeeze them in wherever you can.
8:11pm
Ugh. An impromptu, a capella “Higher Ground” backed by audience hand claps. This show forces spontaneity and uniqueness down your throat like no other. Finally, ten minutes after coming onstage, they present an award—Best Female Performance. They all suck, but blog fave (and reluctant babe) Kelly Clarkson wins, so that’s fine with me. Aw, she’s crying. So cute.
8:14pm
Chris Martin & Johnny Buckland of Coldplay are on the big screen talking about their last Grammy performance. What a weird way to introduce a band. Am I watching some MTV-produced show? Note to Coldplay: the original “Talk” lyrics were better. Note to Chris Martin: even Gwynnie’s not that melodramatic.
8:24pm
John Legend! Wearing a Cassius Clay Adidas track jacket. Where do they come up with this stuff? Ooh, how fancy! Black and white! Lemme guess, we’re going to see things in color when he changes the tempo in this “Ordinary People”/”Get Lifted” medley. You know it’s coming.
8:26pm
Ok, so I was wrong. They faded to color at some random time, and Legend gets to spread his wings on this great ballad. Please, don’t let him win that awful Best New Artist award.
8:29pm
Another Best New Artist nominee: Sugarland. They didn’t get a fancy self-intro. No love for the country bumpkins. Especially when you have sound problems and can hear a producer in the background. Nice work, guys.
8:32pm
Wow, Grammy knows awkward. Finish your performance, then present an award with Big & Rich. That Sugarland gal is hot though, I’ll give her that. So is Ms. Alison Krauss, a winner for Best Country Album. She’s got that quiet/shy/pool player look going for her.
8:39pm
Bono! Hmm…I wonder who’s coming on next? That’s right, it’s the Rolling Stones’ step-children! Seriously, 20 years from now an old bunch of Irish boys will be censored during the Super Bowl halftime show. Mark it.
8:42pm
There’s nothing I hate more than medleys (thank you, John Legend). Even pointless duets are better. Like Mary J. Blige and U2. If Mary J. is going to share the stage, why not with her mentor Diddy? I’d love to see that. What’s that you say? She’s recorded this song recently? I don’t really care. So did Joe Cocker. You don’t see him out there, do you?
8:45pm
Wait, they just showed Kanye and his win for “Gold Digger.” Are they afraid to let him give an acceptance speech or something?
8:46pm
Matt Dillon & Ludacris, together again. Except I don’t think they were actually in a scene together in Crash. Great movie though. And is it just me, or do the Grammy people have no respect for the past? Quickie recaps of the careers of the multiple Lifetime Achievement award winners before moving onto bigger and better things like the Best Rap Album. Terrible.
8:48pm
Here comes Kanye! In white jacket, red shirt, gold chain, black gloves…and sunglasses that even Stevie Wonder wouldn’t be caught dead in. Wait, did he just give a whole speech without offending anyone? The Golden Globes are more risqué than this!
8:55pm
Ben Roethlisberger!?! Phoney. You’re still not in the end zone buddy! That wasn’t gratuitous or anything…he introduced Kelly Clarkson’s introduction video. I love that Kelly Clarkson, but I blame her for all the idiots in this country that seem to think they can sing.
9:00pm
Billy Joe & Gwen Stefani! You know you’re old when rap & pop punk stars are the big names at old fogey award shows. Best Rock Album? Foo Fighters of course. Alas, the U2 juggernaut keeps rolling. U2 is like an sports all-star...once you’ve made it to the top, people seem to think you belong there perpetually, even when you don’t deserve it.
9:04pm
Isn’t it odd how only half of U2 ever speaks? And it’s the half with made-up names. Hmm, I think I’m on to something here.
9:09pm
Ellen is hilarious even though her appearance was even more nonsensical than Big Ben’s…”our next guest needs no introduction.” McCartney & the Rolling Stones are further proof of what I said about U2 earlier. They hit it big along time ago, haven’t really made anything that fantastic since (good, but not great), and yet they will forever be welcomed to perform at our award shows, halftimes and gala events.
9:12pm
Holy Dave Grohl! What did you do with your hair? It hasn’t been that short in a decade! I wonder what makeover show he went on to get that done.
9:13pm
Hey, more nostalgia. “Helter Skelter.” You know, that gives me an idea…he should’ve done this with U2…that would’ve been something. Instead we got the multi-culti subliminal ad for the One Campaign.
9:17pm
Please welcome Black Eyed Peas and Jennifer Love Hewitt!! Let’s not. Love’s on the hot/annoying list and Fergie’s on the fake hot list (in case you were keeping score). Apparently Mario is Black Eyed Peas’ Mexican dude’s “ninja.” They are drunk, that’s the only way to explain this.
9:26pm
Oh, poor Mariah. Music has been “closely linked to spirituality” for her. That’s funny, Mariah’s music has always been closely linked to sluttiness for me.
9:32pm
Buble & Hatcher are two odd looking people. At least Buble’s got better hair. Best Pop Vocal goes to Kelly Clarkson. Poor, poor Justin Guarini.
9:41pm
CBS shill Jenna Elfman introduces Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman, no wait, I mean Faith Hill. They are both tall, thin & (usually) blonde, so you can understand my confusion. By the way, did anyone know Faith Hill played an instrument? Shocking revelation for this non-country fan.
9:48pm
Best Rap/Sung Collabo! This might be my favorite award. What other genre gets this kind of treatment? Nobody’s giving out awards for best Spoken Word/Jazz Collabo, or best Metal/Children’s Collabo.
9:50pm
Only in today’s hyper-sensitive, copyright-protected world would somebody (Linkin Park’s Mike Shinoda) thank his legal & management teams for “making this happen.” If that’s not an endorsement for relaxed copyright laws, I don’t know what is.
9:56pm
Dave Chappelle is a bear. Dude goes into hibernation last fall, nobody hears anything from him, and now all the sudden the man’s EVERYWHERE! Oprah, Grammys, Actor’s Studio, Dr. Phil…when’s it gonna stop, Dave?
9:58pm
Speaking of comebacks, it’s the original spaceman, Sly Stone. Or some bad approximation. Joss Stone? Is she related? She must be, they’re singing “Family Affair.” That Joss is way too ubiquitous for her own good. She was just at the Super Bowl, putting her English Whitey stamp on all sorts of American Soul records. Shame on her.
10:00pm
Please welcome Fantasia (what, no Ruben Studdard?) and some dude I’ve never heard of in a white trash sleeveless jacket with bad tats. Hey, more white soul! It’s Maroon 5. Seriously, this terrible medley of Sly gems is not worth my time. Just trot out the reclusive genius already!
10:02pm
It’s now 6 minutes since Chappelle introduced him, and still no signs of Sly Stone. Instead we get the attention-whore Black Eyed Peas.
10:04pm
Still going…nothing outlasts the Energizer Bunny of tribute medleys. At least this Robert Randolph/Aerosmith collabo has some legs. Steven Tyler gave the best performance though, cause he finally introduced the mohawked, silver trench-coat clad man of the hour last ten minutes. Who then proceeds to trot offstage before the song is even over. Wow, that sure was worth the wait!
10:13pm
Stylists love cool James. Make some noise for Jigga & Linkin Park! Um, I’ll stick with silence, thanks. They coulda put McCartney, Danger Mouse & Jay-Z together, and I woulda made noize for that one.
10:17pm
Am I prescient or something? I got part of that right. Jay-Z, Paul McC and Chester Bennington sharing the stage, singing “Yesterday.” Is this post-post-modern or what?
10:24pm
Tom Hanks is too big for the podium. Dude gets a mic and stands in the crowd. That’s hardcore. Somehow it makes sense having Hanks introduce Springsteen. Maybe it’s cause they were huge in the 80s and are now critical stars, maybe it’s cause they helped define America in the last 25 years. Or, more likely, it’s because the Boss once recorded a song for a Hanks movie.
10:30pm
Together again for … “tonight” aka the last time, it’s Destiny’s Child, aka Beyonce & the two other girls. Speaking of the two others, it appears as though Kelly & Michelle have switched heads. You should see it for yourself, it’s quite disturbing.
10:32pm
U2 wins Song of the Year (for an OK tune) and the Grammy folks start playing Mariah Carey. Nice work. I think that makes four major gaffes for the production team already tonight…and we still have an hour to go!
10:38pm
I haven’t heard a better line all year…”start the five second delay now” implores Mr. West. Apparently halftime at the Grammys comes closer to the fourth quarter, but that’s okay, this one’s worth the wait. This is the showstopper you’ve been waiting for. Oh, and in case you hadn’t noticed, band geeks are hot.
10:44pm
Is this a first? A live performance of a rap skit? No matter, on to the best song on Kanye’s 2nd album--“Touch the Sky.” Or, 30 seconds of it at least. Oh well, onto the next one.
10:45pm
Sheryl Crow and (Lance Armstrong’s emergency replacement) Sting present Record of the Year to Green Day, for a song that’s been out for “two years” according to Billy Joe. And here I thought only the Best New Artist category was completely out of touch with reality.
10:53pm
All filler, no killer tonight. KW State and JFU came close, and a sultry Christina with Herbie Hancock is nice, but this show is seriously lacking in pep. Maybe next year they’ll finally co-opt the indie culture and we’ll see some Arcade Fire or Death Cab. Yeah, I’m not holding my breath either.
11:05pm
And the Runner-Up for Second Oddest Pairing is Common, Fiona Apple and Chuck D, presenting the Best “New” Artist. At least it’s an artist, though hopefully for “my homey” John Legend, part of the Good Music crew, he won’t go the way of Lauryn Hill.
11:07pm
In Memoriam. Much love for R.L. Burnside, Ibrahim Ferrer, Wilson Pickett, Lou Rawls, Luther Vandross and my forever favorite Chris Whitley. You will be missed.
11:10pm
And last but not least, Richard Prior. Now, I know the Grammys are about more than just music, but it’s a bit odd to be honoring a comedian in the midst of all this musical pomp and circumstance.
11:17pm
Final award of the evening already? How many awards did they even pass out on camera, six? I know people like their performances and all, but this is an awards show, isn’t it? If I want to watch a bunch of over-the-top, over-hyped collabos and “once-in-a-lifetime” events, I’ll tune in to the VMAs. On second thought…
11:20pm
U2 wins again. I like them and all, and really enjoyed Atomic Bomb, but seriously, Album of the Year? For what year, anyway? This came out two years ago! But really, this was the oldest group on the list, so obviously they would get it. Makes you wonder if when we grow old we’ll still be voting for our fogey contemporaries instead of the exciting new music the crazy kids are making.
11:22pm
Please welcome the president of the recording academy, who’d like to berate you on the dangers of file sharing and internet piracy.
11:23pm
Luckily, I was wrong. Instead he made a nice heartfelt plea for the people and music of New Orleans. And with this massive collaboration, I bid my one reader adieu. See you live (for real this time) at the Oscars!
Posted by Queuetipp at February 8, 2006 07:59 PM
